Those Horrible Dick Pics

What is it with these dick pics anyway? Who told the guys that it’s not only a good but an excellent idea to send a pic of their penises to girls? It’s a real plague nowadays. Two years ago, I was using an online dating site and I gave my number to a few guys. At some point, I just started asking them: “Please, spare me a pic of your penis” (I am being serious). Once a guy sent me five different ones, one after another, adding a message to the last one: “This one is from now”. And where were the other ones from? Did he take them on vacation? During the business meeting at work? Does he keep a Dick Diary all his own? Those pics made for one of the reasons I finally gave up online dating. I thought to myself: one more dick pic and I’ll throw up. Why would you think that this is what we girls want to get in your messages? Is it so common in other places, or it’s just a NY thing? I thought that maybe I was the only one who kept being flooded by dick shots, but I just finished watching “Inside Amy Schumer” and the same problem comes up in the show several times. There is this one skit with a couple going to a therapy session and the therapist is Chrissy Teigen (a hot model and John Legend’s wife). Right after the guy leaves the office, he sends Chrissy his dick pic. Both of the women react the same way – they roll their eyes and say: “Oh…”.

In another episode, Amy interviewed a model who admitted that some male models are really hot and straight, so you just want to scream: “Take off your shirt”. So sometimes she would ask the young ones: “Send me your dick pic”. Why? Because she thinks it’s hilarious. She thinks it’s amusing, because these stupid guys really do send them immediately. Another women who Amy was talking to, said: “Guys are so proud of their penises, they think everyone wants to see them”. You know what guys…? Let me break some news to you – no one cares. At least most women don’t. If you’re a gay guy, it’s a different story. My gay friends show me guys’ profiles on their dating (well – fucking) apps. You rarely see a pic of a face; penises are all over the place. Sometimes they’re set as a profile pics – if this is how you want to introduce yourself, that’s your problem. Straight women are not exactly homosexual guys; we want a tad different things. Well, maybe not different things – but we want them less frequently.

A few months ago I started texting to someone who I actually liked and suddenly he texted me: “Send me a pic” and I saw a red flag right away. I cut this conversation before I got a chance to see the pic of his you-know-what. If I get a damn dick pic one more time, I swear I will erase the guy’s number immediately. Or I’ll send him a dick pic too. We’ll see how he reacts to that. If I’m not too far off, his answer would mirror the famous last line from “Some Like It Hot”: “Well, nobody’s perfect, but let’s hook up anyway!”.