It’s Profound to Be Understood

As Whoopi Goldberg said in her book „If He Says: ‚You complete me’ — Run!”, which I’ve already written about on JLNY some time ago, people tend to mistake love for many things. For „I will take care of you”, „I will have sex with you”, “I like you” (and a few other things). Needless to say, if any of these happens to be your definition of love — and it works for both you and your partner — that’s fine, go for it.

But a few days ago my friend Magda reminded me of a sentence I’ve heard before and I decided to make it into my own definition of love: „It’s great to be loved, but it’s profound to be understood”. I find this sentence beautiful, as it captures the qualities of a relationship I’m aspiring to have in my own life.

I’ve been saying for the last few years: all I want from my future partner is to be understood by him. I want him to understand who I am and what I am about. I find this crucial and can’t imagine a relationship without it. I think it’s one of the most beautiful things (except for pandas playing with each other) you can experience — to be with someone who simply gets you.

Yes, financial stability is important, shared values are crucial, similar hobbies are very helpful… but a partner who truly sees you is the best gift you can give to yourself. 

Why…? It’s not only about the love he gives you. It’s more about helping you. If he knows whom you truly are, he won’t stand in your way. He would support your plans and would knit your relationship so that both of you can still be not only yourselves but the best versions of yourselves. He would make sure that you’re staying on your path. And this kind of a relationship is the one that will build you up. It would help you grow and be who you’re supposed to be.

I’ve been single for such a long time not because there are too few men around me or because no one wanted me (honey, I still have boobs and long legs). I went on dates, I’ve met some guys, but I haven’t felt truly understood. If I really said what I was about to most of the guys, they would be terrified. If I added to that that I didn’t want to have kids and I want to surf around the world — they would just run away. 

I don’t want to force my relationship advice on you since my knowledge is limited and my experience is really small, but I just hope you would choose to be with someone who deserves you. Who sees you. Remember that one of the last scenes from “Avatar” when the hero says “I SEE YOU” to his beloved..? He finally got her and understood what her world was all about. And I wish you just that. No, your boyfriend doesn’t have to be blue and live on a different planet, but he has to be wise enough to not only try not to change you but to encourage you to do what you’re set up to do. It’s – for me – the only relationship that makes sense. Having someone to just spend weekends with, or going to the movies with, or going to family events with — it’s not my cup of tea. I’ve been doing these things myself my whole life and I’m fine with that. But I haven’t had a supportive partner and this is what I wish for myself in 2019. And I wish for one for you, too. It’s a beautiful thing to find your soul mate who understands you. Someone to whom you don’t even have to say a word to; you look at each other and you just know.