Why Some Women Don’t Want to Have Kids (And Why the Reason Is Not What You Think It Is)

Yes, I want to write about it (again), because it bothers me. I recently realized I don’t want to have kids (now and maybe ever). And I realized how difficult it is for a woman not only to admit it but to say it out loud. It’s difficult, and not because you have any doubts. It’s because you get all these reactions. I’ll give you the first, the most common — and the dumbest —one: „Aren’t you afraid you’d regret it one day?”. What kind of question is that? It not only shows your lack of common sense, but it just shows your ignorance.

If I were an asshole, I would ask you a few questions of my own (for the record: I’d NEVER ask any of the following questions to anyone): „Aren’t you afraid you would not like motherhood as much as you thought you would?”; „Aren’t you afraid you’d end up depressed?”; „Aren’t you afraid that your partner will not help you and you’d be by yourself in all of that?”; „Aren’t you afraid that your partner will leave you?”; „Aren’t you afraid you’ll stop having sex with your partner?”; „Aren’t you afraid you will not love your kid?”; „Aren’t you afraid that you’re missing out on so many things and so many experiences in your life now?”; „Aren’t you afraid you’d lose yourself in all of that?”.

I can keep on going, but, as I said: I would NEVER ever ask any person any of those questions. I have no right to ask them — that’s the first thing. It’s none of my business, plain and simple. And the truth is: not one of the future mothers knows the answer to any of them. Even if having a child remains your deepest desire – you still simply have no idea what will be your reaction when you give birth to a child. And don’t tell me you know, because YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You’d know when it happens. 

I don’t know if I regret it or not. How could I know? How…? All I know is that there is no desire for me to have kids. And there never has been one, not even once.

I can’t even say it out loud (even if it’s about MY OWN LIFE), because I also get the other type of reactions: „You will get there”. Folks, I’m 36. If by this time, I’ve never got emotional seeing newborns or tiny clothes for kids, the chances that I may never „get there” are pretty big. And that’s fine! Yet, there’s also the perennial: „Don’t be afraid, the pregnancy is not that bad”. Guys! Pregnancy is not what I’m afraid of! Millions of women went through it, so I’m damn sure I would, too! Then again: „You would make a good mother”. Jeez, I know I would! Let’s try the classic: „I know you want a career, but nothing replaces a child”. People, it’s not about a career! There are many amazing women (Gabby Reece, Mel Robbins, Rachel Hollis, Resse Whiterspoon, Sara Blakely etc.) who have great careers and several kids at the same time! I believe you can have both! Plus — in all honesty — exactly how many things and places have you experienced in your life for you to know that having kids is „the best one”…? You tell me: „You can travel with kids”. Yeah, of course, I can! My best friend travels with her kids all the time! Or maybe: „I didn’t like kids either, I started loving them after I got mine”. Guys, I love kids! I find their perspective on life fascinating!

I talked to a mom recently and she said that her friends — all of them moms — keep telling other women: „Oh, you should have a baby, you would love it”. And she stops them right away, saying that they have no right to say something like that. „Just because your experience is good and you happen to love it, doesn’t mean other women will feel the same way” she says. And I’m very grateful for her words. I think it’s just common sense.

Whatever you think the reason is for some women not wanting to have kids — it’s not what you think! It varies. Every woman has a different reason. Maybe they were abused or raped, or don’t want to bring a kid into this world — especially with all this technology around. Or maybe they’re artists and they enjoy a different form of creation. Maybe they can’t have kids. Is there any way for you to understand that there are also women out there (like me) who just simply don’t even think about kids? I’ve never thought of being a mom, I never wanted it. I don’t stop every woman with a newborn in order to talk to the baby (please, talk to the babies like you would to a human being and don’t modulate your voice to this weird „child talk” — you just freak the kid out). Once, I was working on my list of 100 dreams for two weeks and “Being a mother” didn’t even occur to me. I never imagined myself being pregnant (not even once!). I don’t like talking about kids; I wouldn’t like to go through the whole thing — diapers, kindergarten, school, the teenage phase. It’s just not me. It’s not who I am. They say: “Your whole life changes. I didn’t know it could be so wonderful”. But my life is wonderful as it is. I love it. Currently, I would just add to it the task of accomplishing my mission, a loving partner — and more surfing. Then it would be perfect.

I don’t want to have kids now, but maybe I would in five years? Maybe in 10? And what then? I still might not get pregnant. There are so many kids who need a parent! There are so many kids who have parents and whose parents don’t care about them. I believe that being a parent is about love; the love you can give to a kid. Does it matter if the child is your own? I don’t think so. There is a lot of love needed in this world now. And I would not be afraid to give it away to children who need it the most. 

The truth is that we — and I do mean women — don’t know the answers to the questions I listed above, we just do what our heart tells us to do. And even if that doesn’t make sense to you, it does for someone else. So don’t be ignorant and let people live the way they want to.