„But you don’t understand – I fell in love with him!” You’re right, I don’t understand.

When a woman in my age gets into a relationship and is disappointed with it soon after that, but also says something like that: “But you don’t understand, I fell in love with him;” at the same time, I have one thing to say: “You’re right, I don’t understand.” And it is not because I don’t believe in love or in falling in love; I just don’t believe that you don’t have control over falling in love.

When I was a teenager, I had many “important” reasons to fall in love, and they always involved appearance. I fell in love because “he was so pretty”; or “I loved his eyes”; “he was so pretty and was a great basketball player.” 

When I was in my 20s, I went with “he is so smart and good looking” or “he is so handsome and has a good job.” 

And then I went to my thirties, and the only thing I said was: “He’s so hot!.” I was even more attracted to guys because of their look, and I added liking their muscles to that. I didn’t fall in love though. It was about sex not falling in love. 

And now I passed 37, and I don’t care if guys have “beautiful eyes” or “are hot,” because it isn’t enough anymore.

I’m really proud of myself that appearance is not that important to me anymore. I won’t fall in love with a body or face, because they will change (let’s keep the reality check on.)

When you pass 35, and you’re single something changes in you. You’re getting tired of your own choices and patterns when it comes to men. Look goes aside, and you become this woman from rom coms who used to chase “the sexy one,” and now she sees “the sweet guy.” At least it’s something that happened to me. When I meet those who think that “they’re the shit,” I’m bored already. They are all the same. And I think it might be similar when it comes to women. When you chase those “princesses” I wrote about recently, you see that they’re all the same after a while. Same interests, same conversations, and the same nail polish. The older I get, the more bored I get seeing someone who is trying to impress others. Go on Instagram; use a filter and get over yourself. 

The older you get, the more you know yourself and hopefully – you know your standards (and I’ve been writing about standards for a while now.) That means that you finally understand what you’re looking for. So when you meet a guy,  and he doesn’t have your standards, you just say NO. Or, if you still like him, you talk to him and tell him that there are the things that don’t work for you, and you ask him if he was willing to work on them. If he says NO, the decision is yours. If you still go for it, don’t be surprised if that turns out differently than you’ve imagined it. It might be great, but there is a bigger chance that it won’t. 

My point is – you don’t fall in love like that! You date a guy first, and you see what he represents. If you fall in love on a first date or a second one “because he was so nice and bought you a dinner,” “was generous,” or “he drove you home” etc.; you have to ask yourself what is that you’re seeking. Was it really enough for you to fall in love? And if so my question is: Are you still a teenager? If you’re around 30 and more, there is no explanation for that. None. If you’re in your early twenties I get it, you don’t know any better, but when you do this to yourself being older than that, it’s time to evaluate a few things. Ask yourself a few questions – Why am I attracted to a guy who doesn’t value me? Why I date a guy who doesn’t respect me? What’s my self-worth? Do I even like myself since I put myself in that situation? What does it say about me? Am I that desperate? Be honest with yourself sweetie, why did you “fall in love” with him? Was it because you were lonely and he gave you some attention? That was it? Be honest – many things bothered you about him, but “you thought it’d change”; “you pretended that you didn’t see it”; “you’re afraid that you’d be single forever?”; “you needed to be taken care of?” Am I right?

And please, please, please – don’t tell me that “he was different at the beginning.” What do you mean by “beginning?” How long did you date him for before you fell in love? Just a reminder – almost everyone is impressive during the first few dates; don’t get lost in his flattering words or his charm. If you want a hookup, that’s enough, but if you’re looking for a relationship, the charm will not save it. If you have to date him for a few months before you decide to call him your partner, do it! Who said you have to decide after a week or a month? Get to know him a bit. Fall in love with how he treats you, how he respects you, how he empowers you, how he brings the best out of you. And not with the fact that he asked you out and bought you a bowl of pasta. Have some respect to yourself.