What is your non-negotiable?

I was listening to one of Lisa’s Nichols interviews some time ago, and she was talking about relationships. When she was asked: „How do you know if this is the one?”, she answered: „It’s when you would want to be with him, even if he doesn’t change”. And it blew my mind then. 

We do get into relationships and there often times when we want to change our partner, or we want him to change something. And sometimes we even say: „I hope he will change” rolling our eyes. I heard women saying: „He has to change it, otherwise I can’t imagine living with him”. And here comes the question: „What if he doesn’t change it?” Do you even consider that? You are with this guy, sometimes you even marry him and you wait for him to change. But what would you do, if that doesn’t happen? Are you ok with him being who he is right now? Would you like to stay with him, live with him, build your life with him, if he doesn’t change?

He might change (I genuinely believe that people change if they want to), but he might also not change. Do you love him enough to stay with him? 

I’m writing about it, because if you don’t know or if you know that you can’t, are you sure it’s the right partner for you?

No one is perfect. I haven’t met a perfect person yet, and I’m sure I won’t. We all have our flaws. Your partner probably want you to change something too. What I’ve noticed is that guys are most likely to accept our flaws than we are able to accept theirs. Maybe it’s because women are usually more critical towards themselves and we often don’t accept ourselves.

 Guys usually hope for some changes in us, but they’re most likely to be fine, if that doesn’t happen. We women get furious. That’s why I’m writing about it. It would be easier, if we were just more honest with ourselves. And I come back to my last post about guys – set your standards and stand by them. Don’t pretend that something doesn’t bother you; don’t pretend you are fine with something, if you are not. Don’t find excuses for your guy and for your needs. 

We all have our non-negotiables and I want to encourage you to dig deeper and find yours. It took me a while – many mistakes along the way – to find mine, but once I did it, I stand by it. There are a few things I can’t agree on. Like feeling uncomfortable around the guy, because he violets my rules. And a few more – I can’t agree on yelling at me or cursing me out. No one ever yelled at me or disrespected me at my home when I was growing up, so I can’t imagine being with a guy who does it. It’s unacceptable to me. I also can’t be with a cheater, gambler or a guy with heavy addictions that he doesn’t want to work on. I can’t also imagine myself with a negative person who is constantly struggling with a job (I’ve been through too much to take care of someone in a situation like that; I’m just not able to handle it now, and I’m honest about it). 

I can’t express enough how important it is to be honest about what you want, and what you truly need. Hiding things will not serve you. Pretending that you want something else is not the right way to go. What is your non-negotiable? Do you even know that? How do you want to be treated? How do you don’t want to be treated? Don’t be scared to not only admit it, but to say it out loud. If the guy you’re with now says „No” to that, that only means it’s not the right guy for you. Don’t be afraid that there won’t be another one. There will be, and he will respect your needs. You wouldn’t even have to explain them to him, because they’ll be obvious to him too. And this is when you know that that is the right guy for you. And that’s the only guy you should be with. 

*bag by @ycyingchu (check him on Instagram)