I’ve been writing about dating for a while now. It’s not that I date a lot (with all my honesty – I don’t like it – and I will explain why), but since I’ve been single, I do date sometimes and am close to this dating world (especially that half of my friends are single too).
When I saw that there is a show on Netflix about dating in NYC, “Dating around,” I couldn’t wait to watch it. It’s interesting because it’s about blind dates – each episode is about one person who goes on five blind dates (I’ve never been on a blind date). At the end of each episode, you could see who they decided to go with on a second date. I found it a bit weird at first, but the more I watched it, the more it made me think.
There are three sociological reasons I found this show interesting and worth recommending.
The first one is how being on a date has become this “interview-wise” experience. Most of the dates I watched reminded me of a job interview (and some of my dating experiences). I don’t get it – you dedicate your time (and time is extremely precious in NYC) to go “have some fun” and instead of having fun, you act as you apply for a job or as you are the one who offers a position at your company. I do understand that you can be nervous “to put yourself out there” but is it essential to ask all of these questions? I think this is my primary concern against dating – you ask so many questions as if you’re able to create a portrait of the person you’re meeting in one evening. In NYC we ask all of these standard questions, and additionally, we ask about nationality and the neighborhood you live in (to estimate your worth…). And I’m thinking – how about enjoying the moment and laughing? If I don’t smile on my date, I don’t even want to see this guy again. What’s the point? If he can’t make me laugh, we’re not for each other.
Just treat your date as your friend, not as a potential husband/wife. You do want your partner to be your best friend, so it’s the best way to go around it. We think that “we have to present ourselves” in a certain way. No, we don’t, you shouldn’t “present yourself,” you should be you.
The second reason that I found fascinating was watching the change that was happening in the person depending on who was sitting with him/her. Because we could see the same person with different people, we could compare how this person reacts to different energies and personalities. I found it captivating to watch the same person as charming with one date and reserved with another one. With one guy/girl the same person is full of joy, with another one is intimidated and weird. And this is when I understood that if you can’t be fully yourself on a date (it doesn’t matter if it’s the first date), there is no point of considering that person for a second date. I know, sometimes you’re shy or self-conscious, and you just can’t be you, it is your personality trait (at least for now), but if that’s the result of being around this particular person – you probably should let this person go (especially if he/she made you feel uncomfortable).
The third reason that made me think was the final pick for the second date. Half of the time I was able to predict “the winner,” but sometimes I was just surprised. And again – of course, I was looking at them through my priorities and my needs (as we all do), and once again I realized how different our needs are. Something attractive to me is not appealing to another person. A characteristic I find valuable wasn’t that important for the other person. That only confirms that we look for different things and that there is someone for everyone (at least that’s my conclusion).
But this show also reminded me how picky we are and why I’m not such a huge fan of dating. We judge and create a certain image of a person in our heads forgetting that it takes more than one date to understand and get to know another human being (the judgment that Basra got just because she was divorced was shocking to me; you did great girl!).
I used to judge A LOT but what I’ve learned for the last two years especially is to give someone a chance because I myself am far from perfect. And this is what I encourage you to do.
Still, before you decide to judge, keep in mind that the other person might judge you too and ask yourself a question – do I deserve this kind of judgment? If your answer is NO, consider if the other person deserves the treatment you’re serving them.