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justlikeny@gmail.com

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Don’t judge by the chapter you walked into.
It’s a new year, so I want you to change one thing. I would say “we,” but I’ve already been working on it the last two years (not that I’ve mastered it yet). Don’...

Why Some Women Don’t Want to Have Kids (And Why the Reason Is Not What You Think It Is)
Yes, I want to write about it (again), because it bothers me. I recently realized I don’t want to have kids (now and maybe ever). And I realized how difficult it is for a woman not only to adm...

You’re Fine
2018 has been a very successful year for me, because I finally understand that I’m completely fine. I just look at myself and I finally see myself. It took me half my life to understand it, bu...

It’s Profound to Be Understood
As Whoopi Goldberg said in her book „If He Says: ‚You complete me’ — Run!”, which I’ve already written about on JLNY some time ago, people tend to mistake love fo...

You’re Always Becoming
Michelle Obama released her book memoir, „Becoming”, and I keep seeing it everywhere in NYC. I haven’t read it yet and now I really want to. Not because I consider Barack Obam...

Drop This Attitude
I just had my best friend Gosia visited me from Chicago a few weeks ago. We spent the whole weekend together excited about each other. We did a few activities, but what was the most important was th...

Is Your Partner’s Skin Color or Country of Origin Relevant At All?
I will answer the titular question right away: „I don’t think so”. And I’m pretty sure I am right. I honestly don’t understand this whole theory about having a partner ...

How To Get the Body You Want
Have you ever said to yourself: “I’m so fat”…? Or “I can’t even look at myself”…?. Or “I will never lose all this weight”…? Or &l...

Accept the challenge
Until now, my favorite sentence was always: “Hope he’ll change after we get married.” (Yeah,  sure, into a pumpkin…) But there is a new contender that I find equally ...

NY Love Story A.D. 2019
I don’t like romantic comedies. And I can tell you why. Once, it used to be my favorite genre, but I grew up since then (a bit). Also — I moved to NY. Romantic comedies just don’t ...

When Was the Last Time Your Journal Embarrassed You?
When was the last time you said to yourself: “This is embarrassing”, and you actually meant yourself…? Well, it just happened to me. I sat down to write about something else and I...

Why It’s Important To Not Look Like Shit
Here is my question: Why do you think it’s a good idea to look like shit at home? Some people put on their worst clothes at home - clothes with holes, stretched out, worn out, old and ugly. (B...

Why Having a Boyfriend Will Not Make You Happy?

added: 2018-02-28 , category: It's all about sex

When I was a teenage girl (that is one week ago… just kidding), my biggest dream was to have a boyfriend. Especially since a weekly column called “Love Story” from “Bravo” teen magazine was telling me week after week that I need one. I was going to bed crying about it and I kept thinking (a lot of thinking was involved) how I can get the one (literally the one – I always had one guy I liked and I would have said “no” to any other guy who wanted to ask me out). When I got older, not much changed – I just got grumpier and less self-confident, ridden with anxieties and complexes. All of which – obviously – was turning guys off and was making me more miserable.

I didn’t believe I could attract anyone that I liked (I mean – this “one guy” that I wanted; the guy changed over years, but the pattern didn’t). Everything changed before I moved to NY. I knew that living in NY is a bigger dream than anything else, so it easily overshadowed “the boyfriend dream”. And it has been almost five years now with my new way of looking at it – and two years with an entirely new mindset. What’s my new mindset about? I just believe that it’s not up to anybody to make me happy. That’s why I don’t believe that having a boyfriend can make you happy. It can make you happier – I would agree with that and I look forward to having someone who will bring extra value to my life, too. But you can’t put your happiness on someone else’s shoulders. Why this person would make you happy? They offer you some attention? They give you validation?

What’s that you’re looking for in a partner? Do you think he or she will take away your insecurities? Here is the thing – I don’t think he or she will. And if suddenly having a partner will change your world, I would think that there was something wrong with your world to start with. If suddenly having this guy next to you finally puts a smile on your face, it means that you didn’t take care of yourself the way you should have. Your job is to make yourself happy. Instead of sitting and thinking “Where is he?”, find your own way towards happiness. But you have to find roots of your unhappiness first. Dig deep, meditate, read, think, go to therapy – find a source of your sadness.

I believe in love. I believe in happy relationships and having your life improved just because a new person came to your life, but I don’t believe in the “I need someone to be happy” philosophy. If you’re not happy by yourself, the chances that you’ll be a happy person in a relationship are not that high. Think about it – if you’re happy only being with someone, that means that you’re miserable by yourself. So what happens when this person suddenly disappears? I noticed that most people jump from one relationship to another, not even giving themselves a few months’ break. Why can’t you be by yourself? What’s wrong with spending some time just with you and your friends? People who are happy with themselves attract other happy people. Miserable people attract miserable people. Which one do you prefer to be…?

Schedule some time with yourself every week – write it in your calendar – and ask yourself a few questions. One of them should be: Am I happy? If not, ask yourself again: What steps should I take to change it? It might turn out that it’s not about having a boyfriend at all. Most of the times we are not even aware of what our real problem is – and that’s the problem in itself. So instead of spending time spying on the guys you like on social media, do this quiz with yourself. Yes, boyfriend can make you happy, but don’t rely on him as your main source of happiness. That’s a big weight to carry and a lot of pressure on him. And if you want to be in a relationship, mind the fact that it’s a two way street – you start being a bit responsible for his smile, too. Where are you going to find a source of that if you can’t find it within? In order to get something from him, you also have to give. What if he expects that you’ll make him happy…? Now, wouldn’t that be a surprise, huh?



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