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Don’t judge by the chapter you walked into.
It’s a new year, so I want you to change one thing. I would say “we,” but I’ve already been working on it the last two years (not that I’ve mastered it yet). Don’...

Why Some Women Don’t Want to Have Kids (And Why the Reason Is Not What You Think It Is)
Yes, I want to write about it (again), because it bothers me. I recently realized I don’t want to have kids (now and maybe ever). And I realized how difficult it is for a woman not only to adm...

You’re Fine
2018 has been a very successful year for me, because I finally understand that I’m completely fine. I just look at myself and I finally see myself. It took me half my life to understand it, bu...

It’s Profound to Be Understood
As Whoopi Goldberg said in her book „If He Says: ‚You complete me’ — Run!”, which I’ve already written about on JLNY some time ago, people tend to mistake love fo...

You’re Always Becoming
Michelle Obama released her book memoir, „Becoming”, and I keep seeing it everywhere in NYC. I haven’t read it yet and now I really want to. Not because I consider Barack Obam...

Drop This Attitude
I just had my best friend Gosia visited me from Chicago a few weeks ago. We spent the whole weekend together excited about each other. We did a few activities, but what was the most important was th...

Is Your Partner’s Skin Color or Country of Origin Relevant At All?
I will answer the titular question right away: „I don’t think so”. And I’m pretty sure I am right. I honestly don’t understand this whole theory about having a partner ...

How To Get the Body You Want
Have you ever said to yourself: “I’m so fat”…? Or “I can’t even look at myself”…?. Or “I will never lose all this weight”…? Or &l...

Accept the challenge
Until now, my favorite sentence was always: “Hope he’ll change after we get married.” (Yeah,  sure, into a pumpkin…) But there is a new contender that I find equally ...

NY Love Story A.D. 2019
I don’t like romantic comedies. And I can tell you why. Once, it used to be my favorite genre, but I grew up since then (a bit). Also — I moved to NY. Romantic comedies just don’t ...

When Was the Last Time Your Journal Embarrassed You?
When was the last time you said to yourself: “This is embarrassing”, and you actually meant yourself…? Well, it just happened to me. I sat down to write about something else and I...

Why It’s Important To Not Look Like Shit
Here is my question: Why do you think it’s a good idea to look like shit at home? Some people put on their worst clothes at home - clothes with holes, stretched out, worn out, old and ugly. (B...

How to Choose a Partner?

added: 2017-11-24 , category: It's all about sex

There is a problem with choosing the right guy. Namely: when do you know he is, in fact, right? What is the most important factor? Should you make a list and stick to it? Or is it better to go with your gut feeling? What if you like most of his features, but there still is this one that really bothers you… Should it become the reason for you to say “No” to him?

I’ve been thinking about that for many years now and I still haven’t figured out an answer. It changed along with my age. Frankly speaking, my opinion kept reversing every few years. As for now, I think it’s all about you. It’s all about being honest with yourself. As for myself, before I say a “yes” to a guy (to be clear: a “yes” to a relationship), I would ask myself one question: What is it that I need right now…? Not what I needed a few years ago, or what I think I would need in a few years. What is it that I need RIGHT NOW? Every woman is different. Each of us has a different story, different set of needs and expectations, and so it’s very important for us to realize that we don’t want the same things, we don’t have the same experiences with men, we weren’t all treated the same by them. We have to go with our own judgment, with our own story. I need something different than you do – simply because I’m different.

It’s crucial to be honest with yourself. What is it that you need right now from a guy? His money? His acceptance? His support? A cozy home? A lot of traveling? Spending a lot of time at home? Going out a lot? Think about that. Defining your needs is important before you enter any relationship. Before you get excited about a guy, ask yourself if he gives you what you need at this very moment.

I know myself pretty well and I’m honest with myself. The past year I learned to go with my own instincts – it always works. Never underestimate the power of your own intuition. I know what kind of guy I want right now, because I know what I’m missing in my life right now and what I’ve gone through last few years. I just wrote about my needs in my recent post. If we talked two years ago I would have mentioned different things, but because my life changed, I changed, I can’t put up with some things anymore. As my friend likes to say: “That’s it, no more”. That’s why I’m very specific about the guy I want to be with. I know that life can surprise me, but there are a few things that I can’t be flexible about. I just can’t; not at this moment.

And there is also this second question that you should ask yourself. And I believe that it’s equally important: What is that you can offer to a guy now? Can you offer him what he needs, or do you just want to take from him? It’s very important, because relationships go both ways. You have to ask him what is he looking for and ask yourself (and be honest about that) – am I a person he could be happy with? Please be honest, for your own good and his. Have this conversation at the beginning of your relationship. I’m not saying that it won’t change over the years (if it changes over few months, it meant that you weren’t being honest from the very beginning). No one can guarantee you that, no one can predict that – but at least you know you do your best to set this relationship on the right tone.

Before you choose your partner, think first in what moment of your life are you right now and what extra value do you need. Because a new person in your life should bring a new value: something you were lacking before you met them. If he doesn’t bring anything to the table, or if he only makes things worse, then what’s the point starting this relationship anyway…? The answer to this one may be tough, but trust me: it can save you a lot of pain in the ass.



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