Wait For the Understanding Nod
I recently chatted on Instagram with a guy (we haven’t met in real life, he just saw my photos on social media) and he said this thing, and I quote: “How come you’re still single? You’re a beautiful and interesting person with goals in life”. He was very nice and polite, so I just answered: “I haven’t met a guy who would give me something I don’t already have”. And that was true. But I also was tempted to respond: “I think you just answered your own question”. And another answer I was thinking of afterward was: “You’re a very good looking guy and have clear goals for yourself, too, so how come you’re still single…?”. But I thought that those two answers weren’t just right at that time (I didn’t say they weren’t true).
I don’t want to write about female empowerment or the amazing single life in NY (it is amazing at the beginning, but then you just kind of repeat the same things – and moves – over and over again, and then you get bored). I’ve written about my choices and desires already: I want to have a loving partner who gets me and who inspires me. And it so happens I just haven’t met him yet (or maybe I just wasn’t paying enough attention).
The sentence the Instagram guy said made me think, though. Not about my own status, but about the ideas people have and nurture within themselves. If you’re an attractive woman and you’re smart, there is no way no one would want to be with you. Many people want to ask immedietely: “So, what’s wrong?”. Not for a second will they think that I might afterward enjoy the life I have now. Let me break it to you: You can be happy without a partner!!! Ta-da!! (I know, it’s a HUGE revelation). Not many people get that it actually can be a choice to be by yourself for a while to figure out what is that you want – and to focus on your purpose.
But it’s not even about that. I have one question to you and I really wish to get different answers than my own: Have you ever been in a situation when there was a very good-looking single guy, who was hard-working, who had a vision for himself, who worked on himself and had his goals… and someone asked him the question I quoted? Let’s say you somehow encountered that situation. So, tell me now: what happened after he said: “I have my goals that I believe in and want to work hard on them, this is all I can focus on right now”? Because I can bet any money that all he got was understanding nods. “Yes, of course”, “I get it, dude”, “Sure thing, you do what you have to do”. Correct me if I am wrong, but I truly believe these are the responses that he would get. Have you ever heard anyone saying to him: “Don’t you afraid you’re going to be single forever?”, “Aren’t you afraid no one would want you soon? You might get bald soon, you know”, “Aren’t you afraid you couldn’t be a father?” (I know, he doesn’t give a birth to a child, but the truth is that his job and stress affects his sperm count, but that’s kind of “a secret” that we don’t want to talk about). He won’t get these reactions, because many people believe that because of the work he puts in, he would be more valuable to a woman.
So here’s my other question – why do we, women, get different reactions to the same life choice? Why don’t we get all those understanding nods? When we do get them, it’s only from some (but not all!) women and gays (all of them). All we get is polite silence and this weird look, saying: “Uh-oh, gurl, good luck with that”. Why is that? It’s almost 2019, so why can’t we get over the fact that women are really strong and have visions for themselves that not always involves all these obvious choices that women made in past centuries and decades? Why does every woman have to be with somebody to be taken seriously? Why no one will ever tell me: “OMG, with all this work you’ve been putting into growth, with all this self-care and clarity you get, with your goals, girl, the guy who ends up being your partner wins a lottery ticket!”. Why I’ve never heard a sentence like that…? Why it’s obvious only for me?! (And to my closest friends). Why not many people understand that a strong woman is also a win for a man, because she can give him a lot of support and would be make for a great partner? And finally – when men will understand that a weak woman doesn’t make a man stronger. A weak woman makes a man weaker. A strong woman makes a man stronger. So help your woman to get stronger.
And as I said before: I want to have a partner. But I would decide to be only with the one who would give me this nod and say: “That’s amazing. I keep my fingers crossed and if there is anything I could do to help you with that, just let me know”. That’s the guy I would change my status for. Until then… I will be single and beautiful and an interesting person with goals for myself. And I recommend the same to you.